Reestablishing Trust In My Body

I never imagined I’d lose trust in my body. I never thought I’d fear something that makes me feel indescribably connected to everything inside me, movement. I lived and breathed the Mind-Body-Spirit connection. I taught it, I studied it, I lived it….yet 2021 rolled around and God had different plans.

A lot of stress compounded and one day I woke up and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. My body hurt in ways I had never experienced. My joints were on fire, psoriasis moved to new places, I was fatigued in a way that made me feel unsafe to drive, and even taking a walk felt like a giant accomplishment. It was an autoimmune flare. One that lasted a solid two months and picking up the pieces has lasted far longer than that.

I felt scared of my body. Almost as if I didn’t know her suddenly. I felt out of control, which made me want to control everything. I lived in fear that anything I did, any sort of pushing myself physically…would potentially lead to it happening all over again. I’ve spoken to other women with autoimmune disorders, those who have dealt with infertility, birth trauma, postpartum struggles, and those who have received a life altering diagnosis… no matter what the journey with your body looks like…when something unexpectedly goes “wrong” the feeling of having to relearn and trust our physical vessel is no small feat. Neither is accepting physical change.

I am writing this coming up on two years post that experience and am just now starting to feel myself again. I know my body in this lifetime is one of my greatest teachers. There have been days I’ve wished that were not the case, but from the moment I entered the world it has been. These experiences and this body have given me immense empathy for others and for that I am grateful.

So what did the journey of reestablishing trust with my body look like? In no way was this linear nor is it over. It is ongoing. It takes trial and error and loads of time and patience. I am writing this with one intention…that a single person feels seen through my experiences and less alone. Navigating our health and the silent mental component that comes with it can feel incredibly isolating.

In no specific order here is a glimpse at the process:

1. I had to accept help. I am someone who will avoid telling people that I’m struggling because I don’t want to burden them. Especially those I love most because I already know what they have on their plate. That had to stop. In order to regain trust in myself I had to trust others. It strengthened my relationship with Clay exponentially. Allowing myself to cry on hard days and admit I was struggling was/is also very healing. It helped to keep the energy moving in my body. Once I stated it out loud I would usually feel a release and could often visualize moving forward. To admit we need help doesn’t mean we are giving up. We’re just reaching out and inviting in more love when our tank might be closer to empty. I’ve found one of the quickest ways out of a spiral is to not be alone in it. Isolation during hard times can be our immediate reaction, but sometimes that is the worst thing I’ve found. Physiologically we need people and our body knows this. Fearful thoughts are much less likely to run rampant when we are in the presence of those we love and feel safe around.

2. I had to learn to rest. Honestly, I am still learning this and it has been a big revelation for me. I discovered how much my sense of self worth hinges on what I do vs who I am and the love I offer. I observed the guilt I felt seeing Clay support me when my ability to reciprocate was different than before. Yet I never feel that way when I am giving to others without expectation. So why didn’t the same rules apply to me? It led me down the path of asking: where do I source my value? How can I retrieve it from all of these sources of external validation and place it back where it belongs? I am worthy of resting when my body requests that of me. I don’t have to earn it. I don’t have to prove to anyone else that I did enough in order to listen to the demands of my body. I am learning to rest just to rest. Not so that I can accomplish more, but rather so my body can feel renewed and strong. *As I write that last sentence I realize I still have some work to do there:)*

3. I changed my diet by starting to eat meat again. I had known my body wasn’t thriving on a plant based diet for awhile, but I ignored that feeling due to my love for animals. I felt extreme guilt at the thought of consuming meat. One day I was crying on the phone to my mom telling her I just couldn’t do it and she said, “Em, how are you going to help the very animals you have a heart for if you’re not well enough to leave the house?” Kind of an obvious question lol, but I needed to hear it. I can confidently say it was the best choice for me and while I loved being plant based, my body did not. Who knows what the future holds. The way we eat is incredibly personal and comes with a lot of baggage. It is something humans often judge others for or receive judgment for ourselves. If you’re making choices to fit in or appease others, please remember to make the decisions best for YOU. The ones that will support you in achieving your goals and honoring the ever changing needs of your body. Just because you chose to live one way for some time, doesn’t mean you're trapped in that box. Don’t be afraid to change.

4. Movement. This is the part I’ve wanted to talk about most. It was the hardest for me to navigate. I could no longer tolerate the hot yoga classes I loved...the same ones I teach. My blood pressure would go through the roof, the joint pain would amplify, and I felt like I got hit by a bus afterward. I had to accept that I was moving to my body’s pace and it was a new one I was unfamiliar with. I started walking daily. I committed and I didn’t waiver. I walked rain or shine in the woods and I can confidently say being outside amongst nature is such a benefit while healing on any level. Once my body had fully acclimated to long walks and I felt stable there, I started to feel pulled towards pilates. I took reformer classes for around 4 months to slowly build back my strength in a low impact way. *I know pilates is all the rage and it’s amazing for physical therapy, but I got SUPER bored lol. I started dreaming up a pilates studio with dim lights, loud beat driven music, and choreographed movements. Maybe one day lol.* I do give pilates a lot of credit for helping me feel strong again. It’s not lost on me that it is a very costly movement practice, but there are online studios with trained professionals that are more affordable if you’re looking to take classes. Dm me and I’ll send you a few. After pilates I started to experiment with lifting weights at home. I started with 5 lbs and worked my way up to 15 lbs and some days I’m back down to 5. I keep going though and don’t let my mind get stuck in the comparison of yesterday. An all or nothing attitude is something I’ve had to work on releasing through this process. We got a treadmill at the beginning of this year and it has felt really good to walk on an incline to build endurance. I’ve been able to be consistent there and it feels empowering to build both physical strength and confidence through keeping a promise to myself. In studio yoga classes are getting more tolerable. How I feel after them is highly dependent on where I am in my cycle. I’ve noticed my inflammation is impacted by hormones and it’s been helpful to track the correlation. Learning the phases of your menstrual cycle and changing the style of movement to accommodate each one is a free and wonderful tool for all of us. It is beyond astonishing to me that we were not taught this in school. I believe every young woman should be equipped with the understanding of their body. It is never too late to learn no matter what age you are!

During this two year time period I noticed there was a fine line between getting out of my comfort zone/accepting that building strength would require effort and knowing when something was too much for me/I was pushing past my limits. There was also a part of me that became overly protective and fearful of feeling any sense of challenge or struggle. The moment I’d experience mild discomfort I would assume it meant I had to stop. So I adopted a street light approach (red light, yellow light, green light) and did my best to check in with that system before I quit. “Could I keep going? Is it a red light? Or is it just yellow and I am feeling afraid? That would be valid, but could we see if we can keep going?” The protective part of me that came online has been loud at times. I’ve had to work hard to let her know that not every unfamiliar feeling or mild discomfort is a threat now. Don’t be afraid to seek out a therapist! I did:) Health anxiety is real.

The sense of urgency to “get back” to where I was felt overwhelming at first…the desire to avoid the process and skip steps was glaringly loud. Eventually though, it became enjoyable. My body felt like my friend again, maybe more than ever. We were in this together. Figuring it out as a team. I felt excited about life again when I released the expectation that things needed to be like “before”. Doing everything in hopes of getting back to some “before” version of me or moment in time was a never ending trap. The opportunity to go back to “before” doesn’t exist and for many of us we have to grieve that in order to accept it. However, there is the opportunity to build a “new now”. A now that can be even more beautiful than “before” if we allow ourselves to focus on the present we have been gifted.

If you’ve ever felt let down by your body, like it has somehow failed you…please know you’re not alone. The emotional piece to a physical experience is not always discussed, but can be just as challenging if not more so to navigate. I believe there is always a path forward, it may just be a brand new one. Ask God to open your eyes to new possibilities. Allow your body and soul to go hand in hand and explore. Be kind to yourself. The trust will eventually be restored and will likely be stronger than ever before:) 

Please know you are never alone. There is always someone out there experiencing something similar.

Xoxo,

Em